If for some, marriage is synonymous with accomplishment, for others, commitment means depriving oneself of all autonomy. And it has a name: “gamophobia”, which therefore refers to the irrational fear of commitment, which can be difficult to live with both for the person concerned and for their life partner. Where does this anxiety come from and how can we get rid of it? This is what Mark Traver, American psychologist, tries to explain in an article published on the
Pyschology Today
website on April 4.
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“Gamophobia generally results from an interaction of factors, both internal and external,” explains the specialist. Among these factors, we often find the consequences resulting from bad past relationships, in which a person felt betrayed. “Studies link betrayal trauma to increased symptoms of post-traumatic stress,” he explains. Thus, gamophobia acts as a shield against “pain and vulnerability”. Especially since it can also arise from deeper psychological problems. If during childhood, attachment experiences were not perceived as secure, it is difficult to form a bond of trust in adulthood. Low self-esteem can also “feed doubt about the merit of love”, while a fear of intimacy can “lead to avoiding emotional closeness and vulnerability”, adds the psychologist.
Another factor: the fear of losing one's independence. Long-term commitments, such as marriage, can indeed be perceived by some “as a threat to their individuality”, continues Mark Traver. Finally, “research also suggests a correlation between having parents who never married and being the less committed partner in the couple.”
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Isolation, conflicts, communication problems... Unsurprisingly, one person's gamophobia can harm the couple as a whole. To avoid this, Mike Traver recommends implementing “rituals or ceremonies symbolizing commitment.” In practice, we first identify symbols or metaphors with personal meaning and representing “growth, unity, resilience or shared experiences”. Why not plant a pear tree in the garden to symbolize the romantic bond to be maintained?, illustrates the specialist. Said rituals “can vary from simple daily practices to elaborate ceremonies marking important milestones,” he points out. Creating them regularly can, in the long term, strengthen the partners' commitment to the relationship. The key is to demonstrate “flexibility and creativity to meet the changing needs of the couple” as they progress.
“Recognize and respect your partner’s preferences to co-create a relationship dynamic that feels safe and fulfilling for both of you,” encourages the psychologist. Concretely ? For example, the couple can set up a personalized commitment contract, which is “the development of guidelines that define the parameters of the relationship, adapted to reflect the unique values, preferences and objectives of both partners”. They encompass various aspects: financial, communication styles, conflict resolution strategy... “This arrangement can increase the desire to cohabit in the future and clarify the ideal circumstances of cohabitation,” he assures.
Finally, the psychologist invites us to appropriate the concept of “companion relationship”. It aims to offer the partner a relationship prioritizing companionship, friendship and emotional intimacy rather than romantic or sexual relationships. “Companionship relationships provide a haven where individuals can form deep connections on a solid foundation of platonic love.” Enough to relieve the most gamophobic among us.